Where do I go from here, that’s something I can’t answer for the first time in so long. I’ve never felt so empty or strange as I do right now. It’s been a while since I’ve dated someone, or even wanted anyone. I just sat around wishing that my best friend would realize I had the biggest crush on him. I’d push away all of the others who wanted me because I only wanted him, and I felt some strange sense of betrayal in even talking to someone else that wasn’t him. But, that’s not the point of this rant post I guess. I thought it would be a good idea to go to my friends house the other night. It was, I’d have to say. I spent the night there after we went to the gay club and had a blast. The next morning, my ex messaged me. He just got out of jail two weeks ago for grand larceny. I hadn’t seen him in almost two years. The first time they took him away, I was there. I got to watch them rip him from his house right in front of my eyes, as I cried my eyes out trying to hold onto him so they wouldn’t take him. That was the last I saw of him. Until yesterday. I thought it would be just one of those things, where it was nice to see him and catch up. But I was wrong. Instantly when I hugged him and didn’t let go for a long ass time, it came back. Every single fucking feeling and every single memory. It felt so right. And I realized how much I still loved him, even after two years. Instantly we both decided to get back together. He kissed me and told me that next month he’s getting his own place, and wants me to come with him. He told me that he wants to be the father to the child I’m carrying because my baby daddy isn’t in the picture. He does nothing but deny it’s his. It’s so hard, based on the fact he’s on parole for six months and we talk/see each other two or three times a week at the most. In the past, he’s cheated. I’ve cheated. And when I don’t see him, it makes me nervous that I’m getting betrayed. Again. It makes me feel so clingy and desperate that I miss him with each moment that passes by, and I feel like crying because I’d do anything if he could be off of parole and we could see each other more. Not to mention that my best friend keeps making me feel like a piece of shit because a “criminal” is going to be fathering my child. Just because he stole shit doesn’t make him this awful fucking person. He’s acting like he killed someone. Maybe I’m wrong and maybe I’m a bad person because I believe in people changing for the better. This is the third time were trying to date. A part of me is terrified that this is too good to be true, and sooner than later it will be over. That he’ll leave me and my child, after all the promises he’s made about how he changed and that we’re going to be a family. It would break my heart because I held off on loving someone for long. Even though I’m slightly petrified this will end horribly, I’m trusting that he’s changed. But I guess that’s love, isn’t it?
i would pay a lot of money for a complete list of everyone who’s ever had a crush on me